I am an empath. I am a caretaker. I’m an extrovert. If you are part of my circle and I care about you, I want to be able to help. I often internalize your pain or emotions, and I empathize on a fundamental level. This means several things. Firstly, I make an excellent friend. I will defend you and stand with you when you need me. I am loyal and dependable when you need me. Secondly, I am always a willing and open ear when you need it. Finally, I am the first victim that an emotional vampire will go for. I tend to be attracted to people who “need” me in some way, or who make me feel helpful. The down side to this is that narcissists and emotional vampires can spot me in a room and I often become friends with them.
This does not mean that every relationship or friendship I’ve had is fraught by my own victimization at the hands of narcissists, but it does mean that I have met my fair share of them. I’m also not saying that my empathy is always a hindrance. I work a day job where empathy and my ability to see the world from the perspective of my clients is essential. However, it does mean that I’ve had to learn to take care of myself, prioritize myself, and cut ties when necessary.
I happen to also have an amazing support system in my family, close friends, and a therapist who understands and has helped me learn to prioritize myself. However, I know that not all empaths are in the place I am at this moment. I don’t always succeed with the tactics I’ve listed below. Everyone has bad days. I have days when things feel terrible, and I’ve pushed my own needs so far back that they sneak out in ways that I don’t expect. However, I think every step, every effort is a step towards more good days than bad.
- You must take care of yourself first. I always want to take care of those around me, but I have a nasty habit of putting my own needs down, shoving them to the back of my mind, and focusing completely on those who I feel “need” me. However, it’s not possible for me to take care of anyone else if I can’t take care of myself first.
- You have value and you need to love yourself. Let me say it again for those in the back – YOU HAVE VALUE AND YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF. This means you need to love yourself just the way you are. Your weight may not be what you want, you may have wrinkles you don’t like, you may have flaws you can’t un-see. But your body, your face, YOU are the only YOU you’ll get, so learn to love yourself and believe your own value. Say it to yourself in the mirror in the morning. Even if you don’t feel like it’s true, say it anyway. Look at yourself in the mirror, really look at yourself and say “I love you. I am making you a priority today and every day.” Say it over and over. Say it until you believe it. Because it’s true and you are amazing.
- Make time to do things you enjoy that aren’t necessarily “productive.” I constantly feel like I need to be doing something “productive.” I believe this is a curse of our fast paced, instant gratification world. If it isn’t working towards a goal of mine or doing something for me, it is a waste of time. I was constantly weighed down by the guilt of not doing something productive, not helping someone, or not “achieving” something. This was possibly the hardest lesson I learned. Reading, taking a hot bath, sitting on my front porch drinking my coffee, having a cup of tea or dinner with my partner, reading a book, etc.; these are all things that are essential to my mental health. I need to take the time to reflect, to take care of myself, and to live in my own life.
- Your life needs to be lived for you first. I have lived most of my life for others. I went to college for my parents, I spent my whole marriage making things “okay” for my husband, and I’ve spent my life trying to shape it to what I think it “ought” to be. Some of these things have made my life easier (e.g. my career, my home, my dogs, etc.). However, I’ve also bent over backwards so often I nearly broke trying to help those around me. It wasn’t until I made myself a priority that I understood that my happiness is completely dependent on my own actions. Once I started living in the moment and making decisions for myself, my happiness increased.
- Learn to understand and actually recognize YOUR feelings. As an empath, I tend to see someone I love in pain, anger, or sadness and take their emotions in as my own. I understand how they are feeling and can put myself in their shoes. As a result, I often find that when my best friend is venting to me, I am angry for her. If I’m not careful, I can often walk away from that conversation angry for no reason. This is one skill I am constantly working on. I often have to pause when talking to my partner or best friend and really seriously look at how I am feeling. If my partner is frustrated and I feel frustration rising and I can stop and really examine it, I can say to myself “wait, why am I feeling this way?” There’s an excellent TED talk by Mandi Saligari about handling feelings which I will link below. This talk helped me to really examine what I am feeling and begin to identify my own emotions.
- Lastly, Hedonism can be a tool for healing. In our Christian-based, hetero-normative world, we are taught to feel guilty for seeking pleasure. We’re taught sex is dirty and shameful, that eating things we like will kill us, and that living for ourselves is selfish. However, by shrugging off the weight of these forced guilts and seeking my own pleasure, I embraced myself and my needs. I learned to fulfill my own needs, shake off those that don’t serve me anymore, and embrace my true self without the baggage of society.
Remember, perfection is an illusion. Shrugging off the baggage of society and making yourself a priority isn’t going to be easy or fast and you will never be perfect at it. If you’re an empath like me, you will fall into old habits, feel drained and be unable to resist it, or fall for the charms of emotional vampires around you. However, if you learn to make yourself a priority and take care of yourself first, you can at least build the tools you need to move forward.
Remember – You have value and you need to love yourself.
Mandy Saligari’s TED Talk on handling feelings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD4O7ama3o8
Rowan's Little Book of Pleasures 
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