Checking In

Hello!  I know, it’s been a long time.  Life is messy.  It never goes the way you expect, and it seems to be less and less predictable the longer you’re here.  If you had told me 2 years ago that things would be like they are today, I wouldn’t have believed you.  Am I back? Yes.  I’ll be working to post at least once a week.  Sometimes this will be new researched posts, but most likely, it will just be check ins and reflections.  I hope you are well; I hope you are safe, please wear a mask.  For now, I have a few thoughts I want to get out about being in a long-distance relationship in these times of COVID-19.

As I believe I’ve stated before, I am in a long-distance relationship with a kink dynamic.  Typically, the distance, while hard, also presents space for understanding ourselves and fostering genuinely productive communication.  But then, as so many have written before me, COVID-19 hit.  This means that we very abruptly had to cancel all plans to see each other and we’ve been separated by a closed border with no end in sight.  I see other writers and educators I follow who are in similar relationships quarantined with their significant others… They did what I had considered when stuff started showing up in the news: they jumped the border while they still could.  In many ways I wish I had done just that, but you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20.

Now, as we have just crossed over day 200 since we were last together, the weight of the distance and the time apart is very very heavy.  This is a time where unresolved issues, stresses, past traumas, and anxieties are bubbling to the surface for all of us.  This is especially true for me right now.  One moment I’ll be fine, the next I’m feeling fragile and emotional.  My relationship has been a struggle lately too.  We’ve had many challenges due to the stress of so long apart.  I have been very sensitive and both of us have been grumpy.  This makes it harder than normal to communicate well while our emotions are clouding our communication.  This may be because I stopped writing (including to this blog) so my emotions have just been piling up, and it may just be a clusterfuck of everything.  Most likely, it’s just a clusterfuck with the upheaval in the world. 

It’s difficult to really articulate the level of anxiety and struggle I’ve been having lately personally.  It’s also weirdly not in the forefront.  It’s like I’m struggling with it and I don’t know how to talk about or see it until it’s like I’m drowning.  I’m starting to see my therapist again, which is a good thing, but I’m surprised when I reflect on this.  Being home with my dogs is great.  Honestly, I’m super happy working from home.  The problem is that my mental health is somewhat dependent on my interactions with people due to my being an extrovert.  It’s a struggle to be alone at home with only my fur babies to keep me company.  But watching the world around us go into such an upheaval, both from the virus and the social injustices that are at a boil right now has created a space of emotional discomfort.

In this time of stress, anxiety, restlessness, and unsurety, we have to be kind to ourselves and we also have to be willing to speak up.  This is a struggle, for sure, but in this time where nothing is sure, not even when I might see my partner again, I think it’s important to be kind to ourselves.  I’m returning not to share all of the hard parts of my life, but to share the things I’m learning, creating, and exploring.  In the coming weeks, I’m planning posts on Norse Heathenism, on Spirituality, on self-reflection, and on so many other topics.  I hope you will come along for this exploration begun anew.  But even if you don’t, I wish you health, positivity, and success.  Take some time to breathe, to create, and to heal.  Speak up and out if you need to, address the parts of yourself you’re unhappy with, and give yourself love freely.