Since the world shut down, I’ve been relegated, for the first time in my life, to living at home alone. I’ve been alone with my dogs in my house for so long I forget what it’s like to have people in my house. For things like my disordered eating and my dogs, being home has been amazing. My dogs have been able to be out and free in my home while I’m home and I’ve been able to spend time really healing my relationship with food (this is a subject for another post). The other thing that has happened since I’ve been at home is the lack of distractions means I’ve come fact to face with my own depression and anxiety. At moments, I’ve been anxious to the point of being insufferable to those who would call me and at moments I’ve been incapable of making myself do things.
Now, I’m about to take a right turn on this post, but I want to be very clear – I am not proselytizing here. I’m in no way saying, “this fixed everything, you should do this too.” I’m only sharing as part of my own reflection process and as a way to document/process the things I’ve been experiencing lately. Now that we’ve got that disclaimer out of the way… on with this post.
The last year or so, I’ve felt called back into paganism in a way I’ve never felt before. I’ve been a pagan, specifically an eclectic wiccan since middle school. For reference, that means I’m a spiritual witch who essentially just accepts the belief processes/pieces that feel correct to me. I don’t strictly follow a “Dianic” path or a “Green” path, I just accept the things that feel spiritually correct to me. Since my divorce, I’ve felt that there is an entity, specifically a Deity that has been calling to me hard and reaching out. There’s a long list of signs and experiences I’ve had that have led me to this, but the short version is that I knew something was calling, I just needed to figure out who.
I started meditating, researching, and looking at the information I had and for a while, I thought it might be The Morrigan. The Morrigan is a powerful Celtic Deity who is often associated with battle, death, sovereignty, and cattle. This didn’t really speak to me much, other than the sovereignty. For a while, I really dove into this research. Honestly, she’s fascinating and I will definitely be reading more about her later, just out of my own curiosity, but it was not long before it was brought to my attention how far off the mark I was. (For fun, I’m including some resources about the Morrigan at the bottom of this post if you are at all interested in her).
In the last month or two I’ve been drawn back to my creative side. I have been a weaver, knitter, spinner, and fiber artist for as long as I can remember. I learned to knit as a child and my mother was learning to weave while I was in the womb. My undergraduate degree is in weaving and surface design. I have been drawn to needlepoint, knitting, and even weaving all of the time the last month. I’m finding that each week I need to do something to feed that side of myself. This is something I’ve never embraced before because there’s never been time. This month though, since I’ve been home, I’ve been leaning in.
Some of that has been researching this deity that’s calling me and finding my way to Frigga. I’m still at the very beginning of this journey, so I’m by no means an expert, but I have determined for sure that Frigga is the deity that’s been calling to me. I think she may have been present much of my life. For those who are unaware, Frigga is the “all-mother” in Norse Heathenism. She is the wife to Odin and she is known as a great seer. She is said to spin the clouds into the threads of fate. She is known to be reserved, wise, and speak in truths. I have found in working with her, that this is abundantly true. Many of the things I feel called to do is either helpful for my healing or building my home space.
The most interesting thing about this journey for me has been how intensely my intuition has been fueled. I’ve always been very intuitive and able to read and help people, but I find that my social programming often gets in the way of me giving people the truth I think they might need. I’m too afraid to piss them off or hurt their feelings…. But this can’t be how I approach things. I’ve been struggling with who I am as a human since my divorce. I had been so programed in my marriage to shape myself in order to minimize any kind of hurt of other people. I couldn’t reconcile my need to help with the fact that other peoples’ emotions are not my responsibility to carry. I can help, I can listen, but I can’t carry them for them.
My biggest realization is that I am constantly doubting myself. In my job, in my life, in my friend groups, I doubt my skills. I doubt that I’m strong enough or insightful enough, or that I might hurt their feelings. But what would happen if I just turned my magick all the fucking way on? What would happen if I truly embraced myself just as I am? I saw a video this morning about why a creator I love is unapologetically herself (video below from BookOfEdith on Tiktok). She basically said – Why am I myself? Because I draw inspiration from the garden. Plants don’t apologize for themselves; they don’t doubt themselves. Sunflowers don’t apologize for growing tall or shining like the sun, they just do it because that’s what they’re meant to do. Lilacs don’t apologize for how they smell; they just bloom and bask in the sun. What would happen if we all lived like flowers? Being unapologetically ourselves.
I’m not saying we’ll always succeed. I’m not saying it’s easy, but if we all quit apologizing for taking up space…. If we all embraced ourselves as we are now and living our lives to the fullest…. If we started advocating for ourselves the way we advocate for those we love, maybe we could quit feeling like we’re imposters in our own lives and begin truly living our lives.
I hope this helps you. Live like a sunflower.
Love,
Rowan
Links:
The Morrigan – https://mythopedia.com/celtic-mythology/gods/morrigan/
Lora O’Brien’s wonderful Youtube Channel about Irish mythology (lots on The Morrigan here)- https://www.youtube.com/user/loraobr
A little about Frigga –
http://ydalir.ca/norsegods/frigga/
https://goddessgift.com/goddess-info/meet-the-goddesses/freya-frigga/freya-frigga-unabridged/
Book of Edith’s video on TikTok – https://www.tiktok.com/@bookofedith/video/6857505987239103749
Rowan's Little Book of Pleasures 
Leave a comment