The Mandatory “How I Got Here” Post

This is a question I’ve been mulling over the last 8 months or so.  I don’t mean “who am I?” as in the movie trope where some tragic accident has made me forget my actual identity.  I mean, from an introspective, intentional way – who am I? In October last year, I woke up to discover that I have been living in a world that I didn’t recognize or even want.  I had done the expected. I met a guy who was kind to me, who was generally a nice person, we got married, we had bought a house, we had two dogs and a kitty. I finished my master’s degree, got a “big girl” job, and I had more or less built the “expected’ life…  Whatever that means. However, among all the “expected” was also the fundamental self-hate for my fat body, the discomfort of being the primary bread winner in our house when he was mostly unemployed and not participating in the housework, and the cherry on the top of this cake, was the toxic and damaging mental health issues I was ignoring within myself, and the history and issues which crouched within my husband.

I have always been a pretty level headed, if gregarious, person.  I am chatty, smart, and creative, but I’ve lived my life with the expected hate for my fat body, and the subtle need to be passive in the relationships around me.  After discovering and actually listening to what Dana Falsetti had to say about diet culture and body image, I really started to question my self-thoughts about how “fat” I am.  I fundamentally believed the stock-standard fat shaming that is trained into all American children. It didn’t matter that, objectively, I don’t hate my body, society says fat is the worst thing you can be, so I hated myself and my relationship with food.  At the encouragement of my husband, I went into therapy to address my self-talk, which had become so toxic I was crying most nights despite losing close to 40 pounds on a Keto diet over the last year.

With the help of my therapist, I started exploring that thought process and really addressing some of the underlying thoughts.  This was the first time I had been to therapy and I was surprised that it wasn’t the process I expected. It was much less of her pulling information out of me, and a lot more of our discussions triggering my own introspection outside of the actual appointments.  

In this process, I realized that I have been so hateful about my body I had completely shut down all of my sexuality and needs.  I hadn’t been sexual with my husband in years. I thought this was due to my body image, and perhaps it was partially that, but as always, that particular issue was much more complicated than just my own body image.  

I realized that 6 years ago (or so) I had been in a D/s relationship as the sub.  My Dom at the time was not a good Dom. I was a toy, which is fine if it’s part of the agreement, but there was never an exchange.  I would be punished often and severely for any insecurities I verbalized with him. I believe his goal was to teach me to not self-deprecate, but in the end, the result was actually reinforcing my self-hatred.  I walked out of that relationship with a fundamental an insidious understanding that my body was something to be punished for being sexual and I should avoid it at all costs. This damage, this suppression of my sexuality would last all the way through my marriage and through my whole next relationship.  When I met my husband, we were initially sexual, but he had a physical impairment which made sex nearly impossible for many years. Unfortunately, this just reinforced my suppression of my sexuality. After that, not only was my sexuality something to be ashamed of, but my partner couldn’t and didn’t want to have sex with me.  These statements, this thought, was clearly untrue and flawed, but it is the underlying conversation I believe I was having with myself.

Through the process of therapy I started to really take these thoughts off the metaphorical “shelf” and look at them.  I began to shift my thoughts and with that shift, my body became something I love and appreciate, not just something that carries me through this world.  I will write a more in-depth explanation of how I explored that thought and the things I’ve found that help me address that negative self-talk later, but for now, this was a fundamental shift.  

Unfortunately, there was a lot of other fall-out that came with this.  I remembered and started looking at things like Kink, Polyamory, and my Bisexuality, and many of the thing that I had been ignoring for years.  My husband had experienced some severe abuse in his life, so he wasn’t able to explore kink with me, and for many reasons, I don’t think kink would have been something I would have been willing to explore with him anyway.  

Before I dive into this next bit, I want to be clear.  My former husband is a kind soul at his core. He tries to the best of his ability to be a good person and to support his partner as best he can.  He was never ever physically abusive or even verbally berating in any way. In his conscious actions, he was always supportive, kind, and good. However, his conscious actions were not the problem.  

Through the process of therapy, I began to really look at my actions around my husband.  I could see that there was manipulation in his actions. That my reactions to him were always to “not rock the boat” and any time I confronted him about something that upset me, I walked away from the conversation thinking that I was really at fault for whatever I was trying to address.  The manipulation, gas lighting, and emotional abuse was so insidious that it had become a fundamental foundation in my relationship with my husband. In November last year, we entered couple’s counseling, and while some things changed, many of the subtle things that were damaging me emotionally weren’t changing at all.  I don’t know that this is the right forum to go into all of that, but if you are questioning if there is emotional abuse in your relationship, I encourage you to speak with a therapist. It’s insidious and easy to ignore. Small things pile together and before you know it, you’re walking on eggshells and taking on more than your share of responsibility in the relationship.  

What I didn’t understand that I do now is that emotional abuse can be incredibly insidious.  It begins with little things, trying not to “rock the boat” and it develops slowly over time.  Often, I would say the abuser isn’t aware of the effects of their actions. This is not an excuse and should never be used as a reason to stay with your abuser, but I think it is important to try to understand the full picture.  

Just this past March, I concluded, with my therapist, that couple’s counseling wasn’t going to fix what was wrong, and I deserve to be myself and be able to enjoy my own sexuality.  This is a difficult decision and it’s not easy, even now, but it is the right decision.  This adventure to be myself, is going to take time and energy to repair. I am learning to embrace my own needs and myself as I am.  I’m learning to allow myself to explore things that interest me. That is what this blog is about. I intend to explore my own sexuality, the sexual identities of others, explore topics on gender, sexuality, kink, and so much more.  If you chose to go on this journey with me, welcome, I wish you all the pleasures in the world.