Switching, Dominance, and submission, for me.

What does it mean to be a switch?  Some sects of BDSM would argue the being a switch means you aren’t a “real” dominant or a “real” submissive.  However, in the same breath, many of those same people will tell you that the best dominant is someone who’s been a submissive.  So the question lies, if you’re whatever they think of as a “real dominant” how are you supposed to be submissive?  I don’t have an answer to this, but I think the real answer is that every person is different, every person is more complex than they could ever imagine and sometimes it just takes the right person to help you explore the other side of the world. 

When I was first introduced to BDSM as a young teenage girl, exploring her sexuality, the images and books I read about the leather-clad, powerful fem Domme made me excited and curious.  It gave me an opportunity to explore my curiosity about women and my own bisexuality.  However, at the time, I still held the misconception that BDSM was strictly for people who had been “damaged” or who were into “abuse” of some way.  It never occurred to me that this could be an opportunity to I explore my own limits and what excited me. 

As an adult, when I actually started exploring the world of BDSM, I was too timid or unsure to think I could be anything other than a submissive.  I found someone I thought would teach me about the world since he had been involved in the community for quite a while.  For a while, we did explore together.  He taught me about protocol, he taught me the basics of submission, and he showed me how to find out more about the community.  Unfortunately, he also was not someone who believed in full negotiations before play.  As a result, our relationship was torrid and short-lived.  This relationship left me curious and interested in the community, but left damage to my self-esteem I would spend years denying and ignoring.

After researching and looking, I found I had an interest in switching.  I knew I enjoyed being a sub, but I was curious about being Dominant as well.  I spent years researching, but I was too shy to explore that side of myself and too bashful to try to access the community myself.  I had fallen into a limbo where I felt stuck.  After a sexless, very vanilla marriage, and months of therapy, I began to explore BDSM again.  This time, I found myself on the sub side again. 

I started a digital D/s relationship with a Dom whose kinks didn’t quite match my own, but in a remote setting, it wasn’t really an issue.  We spent time playing, talking about our interests and kinks.  I laid out my hard limits and we still were playing in ways that I sometimes struggled with.  I have a hard limit about Anal.  I’ve been interested in it, and I like watching other people enjoy it, but it’s something that I struggle with exploring myself.  This Dom was determined to push me towards the edge of my limits.  He was constantly asking me to try anal things when we played, and I was not interested in crossing that line.  I knew this wasn’t a long-term relationship and it ended shortly after, but it taught me a lesson about Domination and limits that’s important. 

Being a good dominant is about knowing limits, communicating clearly, and fully respectingthose limits.  It’s also about being fully aware of your submissive’s needs, what limits can be pushed, and lastly, being sure that you ASK your submissive after play when you push those limits.  Respect is vital in any relationship, but a BDSM relationship without respect for each other is a recipe for disaster. 

It was at this time that I met someone who would change my perspective on what a BDSM relationship could look like and would give me an opportunity to explore my Domme side in a supportive and safe way.  For the purposes of this blog, let’s just call him Pet.  My relationship with Pet also began as a distance/digital based relationship, but the trust and patience built between us has created a space where we both feel safe to explore the joys of being switches and we have, thankfully, had a couple of opportunities to spend time physically together playing.  Primarily, in our relationship, I lean towards the Dominant side of our relationship and he leans submissive, but we have also explored what we call “wrestling for Dominance,” but it could also probably be called “power exchange” or “power play.”  This has been one of the most fun and exciting things we have explored. 

Pet and I have spent much of our time when we’re separated as “Goddess” and “slave,” but when we are together (and occasionally when we are separated as well), we often spend time as “Sir” and “slut.”  The joy in this play has been exploring both the Dominant and submissive sides of a relationship.  For us, switching isn’t just about flipping a switch and being Dominant one night and submissive the next.  We explore the space between, and the joy of pushing one another until one of us submits to the other.  We are exploring each other’s limits and learning to read and understand each other in a deep and wholly fulfilling way.  There’s a sense of “winning,” but the exploration of this play has allowed us to adventure into spaces within ourselves that has deepened and expanded our understanding of each other.

So– what does switching mean for me?  Well, for me, switching allows for a full and expansive relationship, whole trust, and the freedom to learn about my partner deeply and completely.  Being a switch for me isn’t just about “I feel Dommy” or “I feel subby.”  It’s about exploring, playing, and feeling the full joy of both sides of this relationship.